Varieties.

Wait. You left off the choice I wanted to make, which was: WHO GIVES A MOTHER FUCKING FUCK?!?!

Respect. And Lots Of It.

Enjoy this glimpse at the peanut gallery during the ever cheery 2007 Oscars Death Montage.

CHIPS (I Can't Stop).

It's here! The CHIPS video. Look for me, making that damned kissing face again. And a bevvy if other hilarious comedy ladies and gents. Good fun.

The Kissing Booth- TOMORROW!

The Kissing Booth presents: Don't Go Breaking My Heart!

February 24th, 2007
9:30 pm - $5 cover
Doors open at 9 pm

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street at Union Square East- BASEMENT LEVEL of the DR2 Theater

$3 Special Beer (TBA- Last Time It Was Miller Lite)!
$4 Well Drinks!
Full Bar For You Fancy Types Who Insist On Acting Classy-like!

Dance Party Begins Right When The Show Ends, SO STICK AROUND!

Brandy & Sara are in the mood for love, simply because you're near them. And hey, if you can't make the show (because you suck), then come and get your drunk on with an after show dance party so wickedly debaucherous it'll result in pants-peeing! You'll fall in love with this show, 'cuz it's packed with all sorts of cuddly comedy types, such as:

Pat O' Shea (Ed Sullivan On Acid)
Kurt Braunohler (Hot Tub Variety Show @ COMIX)
Glennis McMurray (Dance Dance Party Party co-creator)
Shockwave (Freestyle Love Supreme)
Margot Leitman (UCB Theater)
Desiree Burch (SMUT Reading Series @ Galapagos)
Rob & Mark (Giant Tuesday Night, SPIKE TV)


PLUS...a very special visit from Mama & Roxanne! In honor of Valentine's day, Roxanne has sent in Mama's profile to a popular dating show. Come and see who host Chris Christoffsen (Drink At Work's Sean Crespo) will bring out as potential New Mister Daddies for little Roxanne! With special guests Adam Wade (ESPN), Mike Dobbins (MTV2), and Gabe McKinley (The Shark Show and like, 7 national commercials)!

PLUS! DJ wizardry from our head writer, Matt Sears, candy, dancing, photos of you looking all hot and shit that will be taken by the sultry Anya Garrett, and lots of hi-jinx and capers and cutups.

SEE YOU THERE!

www.myspace.com/thekissingboothnyc

Want To Look At My Butt?

Well, don't mind if you do!


You can here, on the lovely Hello, Hilarious website. Sara & I love that scamp Eliza Skinner. You should be reading this site already, if you're not.

And the fantastical DRINK AT WORK folks have been kind enough to throw some love our way. Another must read site, which if I hear tell that you're not looking at on the daily I will punch your Mom in her fucking face.

Thanks to both for taking such good care of the comedy community in NYC. Show their sites some love, go and leave some comments and check out what shows they're plugging/performing in- you'll be glad you did.

Oh Hell Yes, Honey Put On That Party Dress.

I am concerned for myself.

Why, you ask?

I'm watching Benny Hill on BBC America, for starters. And the remote is not broken. Also, I am laughing uproariously at a scene involving a baby drinking a pint of beer while our boy Benny minces and mugs.

Help. Me. PLEASE.

The Coolest Of The Uncool.

Here's a delightful, heartfelt review of the joint MORTIFIED/REJECTION SHOW VALENTINE'S DAY HEARTBREAK HAVEN show last week. And a really adorable idea for a website, so check it out.

Hoping someone has videos of the show- I hear tell that someone taped it. Won't my Mom be so proud to hear my poems about the gay boy I was in love with who had an airbrushed half-shirt in my dance class? No? Why not, I wonder.

How You Should Spend Your Time & Money This Saturday Nite.

The Kissing Booth presents: Don't Go Breaking My Heart!

February 24th, 2007
9:30 pm - $5 cover
Doors open at 9 pm

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street at Union Square East- BASEMENT LEVEL of the DR2 Theater

$3 Special Beer (TBA- Last Time It Was Miller Lite)!
$4 Well Drinks!
Full Bar For You Fancy Types Who Insist On Acting Classy-like!

Dance Party Begins Right When The Show Ends, SO STICK AROUND!

Brandy & Sara are in the mood for love, simply because you're near them. And hey, if you can't make the show (because you suck), then come and get your drunk on with an after show dance party so wickedly debaucherous it'll result in pants-peeing! You'll fall in love with this show, 'cuz it's packed with all sorts of cuddly comedy types, such as:

Pat O' Shea (Ed Sullivan On Acid)
Kurt Braunohler (Hot Tub Variety Show @ COMIX)
Glennis McMurray (Dance Dance Party Party co-creator)
Shockwave (Freestyle Love Supreme)
Margot Leitman (UCB Theater)
Desiree Burch (SMUT Reading Series @ Galapagos)
Rob & Mark (Giant Tuesday Night, SPIKE TV)


PLUS...a very special visit from Mama & Roxanne! In honor of Valentine's day, Roxanne has sent in Mama's profile to a popular dating show. Come and see who host Chris Christoffsen (Drink At Work's Sean Crespo) will bring out as potential New Mister Daddies for little Roxanne! With special guests Adam Wade (ESPN), Mike Dobbins (MTV2), and Gabe McKinley (The Shark Show and like, 7 national commercials)!

PLUS! DJ wizardry from our head writer, Matt Sears, candy, dancing, photos of you looking all hot and shit that will be taken by the sultry Nathan Kloke, and lots of hi-jinx and capers and cutups.

SEE YOU THERE!

www.myspace.com/thekissingboothnyc

BARELY FAMOUS: March 8th @ COMIX

Be there to say you were when we all break big. OK when one of the cocktail servers there gets a guest spot on "Yes, Dear". Whichever happens first. Whateves.

We love the DRINK AT WORK crew, oh yes, we do.

Take The 5 Things You Don't Know About Brandy Challenge!

I been done called out by my dear pal (and former co-worker in an office not dissimilar to hell itself many moons ago), Ms. Emily Rems. And to keep this chain a goin', I challenge Giulia, Sara, Alty, Sears, and MCC to join in the fray.

Here it goes: 5 Things You Don't Know About Barber. Or, if you somehow do, just play nice and keep it down, would you. smart mouth? Jesus, you're a real "shock jock".

1. I was secretly relieved when my first New York pet, a beta fish named Gilda, died. The fish was bought in my first weekend in New York City in 1999 at a pet store I went all the way from the my studio in the Upper West Side across the park to the Upper East Side to purchase. This was because there was no functioning Citysearch or Google Mpas or what have you, and I flipped open the phone book to find pet store listings and that address seemed closest. There was actually one about 2 blocks away from my studio located on LaSalle & Broadway, but I hadn't learned the subtleties of crosstreets or subway & bus lines yet, for I was still a pup. a real New York City novice. Anyway, the fish was cool for the first year and then, a nusiance. I am cruddy.

2. When I was little I was so boy crazy that I took an ad from the Sears catlogue of a boy I thought was cute (who resembled a boy named Larry Johnson I liked in 1st grade) and cut it out. The plan was to take it to school and tell all my classmates that this was my superstar model boyfriend. In case any of them balked at this blatant lie, I then had the premonition to write a love letter to myself from this gentleman caller. Before I made a royal jackass out of myself, I tried a test run at home. And who should I chose to pass it off to but my Dad, Terry. I really thought I'd have him convinced that the scribbled note and poorly-cut out newsprint scrap I handed him was from a potential suitor. Let us not forget that the picture I chose was of a guy in a karate robe and Superman underoos, because I always was a horny little tramp with the bedroom eyes no one could deny. My Dad delighted in the torment that followed this blatant, creepy lie on my part. I still can recall the crowing he put forth as he doubled over, tears coming from his eyes while he clutched my totally pathetic attempt at romantic forgery. Do we blame him for running up one side of me and down the other? No. We do not.

3. I have never touched a Ouija board. Nor will I EVER. That shit is fucked up.

4. I didn't learn to snap my fingers until I was in my twenties. As a result, I still can only snap so-so with my right hand. My parents told me the only way to learn how was to practice, but I was too impatient to ever really try. I finally figured it out purely by accident and way later than your average orangatuan.

5. I am scared of birds, specifically of their feet. I also dislike when a bird attempts to speak as if it were human. Ick.

There you have it. Do with it what you will.

Deep, Annoyed Sigh.

When I wrote many moons ago in my teenaged diary that if I did not "make love to" Mick Jagger I would GO BALD, I suppose I had no idea what that really meant.

Now, I know. All too well. Good lord. Britney, get a fucking hold of yourself.

Our Bodies, Myself.

Lauren Weedman is an awesome comedian and an old pal. You should look at this and you'll see why. Leave her a nice comment while you're there, if you so choose. Because I said and I'm the boss.

Heartbreak Haven Opener.

Hey- Jon Friedman put this together for the amazing Valentine's Day show this year. It's a delight, and if you were lame and didn't come this captures some of the magic you lost out on. You dolt.



Check out more from Jon here.

Check out more about MORTIFIED here.

Check out these pictures of the insane afterparty featuring Karoke Killed The Cat here.

This Is The Heartbreak Hotel.

Allocco and I sang the old Mary J./Whitney standby last night for the karaoke portion of the show, in harmony no less. I interjected lots of cusses as per. I also tipped my cup of keg beer down my front and screamed "I pissed myself, SEE!?!"

I digress.

The joint gig of MORTIFIED/THE REJECTION SHOW was one of the best nights I've seen or participated in, ever. It was so awesome to join forces with such a great show, and I am thrilled to have gotten to collaborate with that rascal Jon Friedman. All of the performers were magical and the music and karaoke were the icing on the heart-shaped V-day cake.

While I did not get drunk and scream hatefully at the boy I had just broken up with while the boy I was still seeing watched in horror as I tried to drink a cup of golf pencils placed next to the song sign up slips at karaoke (and Allocco cheered), I DID threaten people's lives, steal candy, smoke too much, get too drunk, and end the night sobbing. So there's that. I have a fan base to appease, people. They love a trainwreck, and that's what I do.

Witness it here, courtesy of the ever lovely and amazing Ms. Carol Hartsell, whose fair hair and wily disposition belie an interior of steel and mischief. And check out this picture of me, screaming something mean at some innocent bystander most likely.

Crying And The Like.

Someone has a new idol named Ms. Amy Winehouse. Someone named me has a wee bit of a crush on this little scamp, who seems to have broken into my laptop and stolen my various entries regarding naughty drunken hi-jinx and woven them into a fine song about how tough it is to behave. Because it IS tough, is it not? It is tough to fight temptation. For example, when at a keg party in the woods of Poughkeepsie, It is tough not go into the bathroom and make out with the guy you're cheating on your boyfriend with while your boyfriend is outside at said party, politely listening to the insipid conversation of the girl who is said guy you're cheating on your BF with's mistress, who is cheating on HER fiance with the guy you're cheating on your BF with, while you and the guy you're cheating on your BF with are cheating on EVERYONE and having a fine time doing so while people bang on the bathroom door. Ouch. My head hurts just trying to recall the details of this particular incident. Look, all I'm saying is this: if your ladyfriend mysteriously disappears at a party AND there's a long, angry line to the bathroom, then you should probably stop dating me. Jerk.

I am still drunk at work today.

And I'm Good, Reppin' The Girls On The Block.

Please.

I am asking ever so nicely.

Mister Josh Homme.

PUT.

IT.

IN.

ME.



JESUS, can this man be any more flaming hot?!? I want to mount him like a fucking hunting trophy and fuck him in half. I know, I know, like McCarthy says, 2 redheads mating is the last taboo. But I am willing to take that chance for one night of hot rawk ween from this fucking god among men.

Now, who wants ice cream?

As per ususal.

The reason I think PostSecret is so amazing is because I, myself, could have sent any of these in. I didn't. But it's so galvanizing to see someone else sum up your own life experience so succintly- someone who you'll never know other than through the act of shared information via clicking on some website.

The things I love the most artistically tend to be the things that make me laugh but almost cry. One of these made me actually just cry. And I think I loved it even more than the rest as a result. Try to guess which one- let's see who wins.

Thanks again and as always to PostSecret.com.

The Whole Ball Of Wax You Requirement.

The title? This particular one was from a SPAM email sent to my work address which made me smirk.

Enjoy some candids taken by the cast of our recent Kissing Booth video shoot for a short called "Matt's Party". Overall a really lovely time, and we couldn't have been happier with all the hard work put in by everyone. Especially our crew, Oren Brimer, Nathan Kloke, Anya Garrett, and Matt Johnston. Thanks, pals.

The Writing Group.

Hey there! Come look at me reading something what I wrote on paper and such.
This is a very special meeting, as this is the core group from our dearly beloved,
generically named writing group of yore.  Lots of Brooklyn Friendships (TM) were
had here.  This is where Sara & I developed the original scenes that would become
A VERY BETSEY XMAS and many other offensive delightful sketches. Our pal Julie Miller
made it all happen.  She's the bomb and shit.

Come out and see what we've all been up to!  And support Tillie's, which is a
great place that has red velvet cupcakes.  Oh yes, that's right.





Hi Friends,
>
> I'm hosting a COMEDY reading at Tillie's of Brooklyn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> (the coffee shop below my apt.)
>
> The reading is one of many special events going on in February to celebrate
> Tillie's 10 year anniverary! I'd LOVE for you to come!!!
>
>
> WHEN: Thursday Feb. 8th, 8pm
>
> WHERE: Tillie's of Brooklyn (Ft. Greene, Brooklyn)
>                 248  Dekalb (@Vanderbilt) www.tilliesofbrooklyn.com
>
> WHAT:  Please see the write-up below followed by a calendar of
>               Tillie's 10th anniversary events in February...
>
>
>
> Thurs. 2/8
>
> 8 p.m. An Evening of Comedy Readings
>
> Organized by Julie Miller, who graduated from Pratt with a degree in Writing
> for Performance and now works at Spike TV. With Sara Alloco, Brandy Barber
> (co-producer of MORTIFIED, The Kissing Booth), Jordan Carlos ("Live
at Gotham," Montreal
> Comedy Festival, The Colbert Report), Andrew Condell ("The Tunafish Sandwich Story"),
Matthew
> Guzzardo ("The Sizzle Twins"), Julie Miller, and Lindsay Nouis. Based
on the
> weekly comedy writing workshop held in Miller's apartment (conveniently
> located directly above Tillie's).
>

Kind Of Always Knew I'd End Up Your Ex-Girlfriend.

Mrs. Morse looked into the liquor and shuddered back from its odor. Maybe it would help. Maybe, when you had been knocked cold for a few days, your very first drink would give you a lift. Maybe whisky would be her friend again. She prayed without adressing a God, without knowing a God. Oh, please. please, let her be able to get drunk, please keep her always drunk.

She lifted the glass.

-- Dorothy Parker, Big Blonde

Daisy Miller.

Must. Stop. Singing. This. Song.

BUT I CAN'T!!!

Yes, that's right, it's Mariah Carey's Heartbreaker. Featuring Giulia Rozzi's fiance' Tim Owens.

Save the date- February 24th, 2007, and you'll get to see Sara & I tear this up in our drunken, off-key finale at THE KISSING BOOTH. I shall be doing the Jay Z raps. QUIT LAUGHING.

Cristal Poppin' In The Stretch Navigator.

Hey. I should post something. So...this is it. Sorry. Tired.

Oh, and the Pupppy Bowl this year was awesome, even though I feel asleep.

I want to be friends with all the Pussycat Dolls, also. Just to clarify.

UK, All The Way.

This is the summation of how I think this weekend will be. AWESOME. Nothing better than a bunch of girls dancing and causing mischief. Hoping there will be some accents, too. Especially British ones. Aw, yeah.

I Told You That I'm No Good.

Look. I was all aflutter to write an entry where I make fun of this song, but I can't. Because...(deep breah intake) the thing is...I. Love. It.

I LOVE IT, I SAID!!!

How is it that this song, which is at this point 11 years old, STILL somehow manages to be the fucking jam?!? I cannot resist the appeal! And I want to , I really really do. I KNOW better. I have a fucking Women's Studies MINOR from Cal State University Long Beach, a city I might add that has the largest Gay/Lesbian/Transgendered population outside of San Francisco! I am an enlightend fucking feminist scholar!!! This is a silly, sexist bunch of crap and I should be immune to its patriachal charms! I READ The Feminine Mystique for chrissakes!!!

But...I also grew up in Dirty SoCal (619! West Coast REPRA), and I went to the high school that they based the "black girl's run-down but full of spirit" school off of in the epic Bring It On. I danced to JJ Fad in a cheerleading outfit & bamboo earrings at my pep rallies while one town over people were playing Warrant at theirs. I cannot deny my roots. I cannot deny that if I was out, having some of the High Life, and this song came on, I would snatch up the closest attractive boy and grind the fucking zipper off his pants.

There. I said it. I'm named and shamed. Let's never talk about this again. Except here.

Also...this is NOT the My Pony video I was searching for but, it is also pretty awesome for different reasons that do not involved dry fucking against the dance floor wall of the Acapulco Inn on 2nd Street with a Sig Ep named Larry who lived across from you in the LBC dorms on $2 Tuesday Long Island Iced Tea Night. Eeeep.